I Put My Mom in a Nursing Home—Now What? A Practical Guide for Finding Balance

A few weeks ago, my world shifted.

My mother, who has dementia, wandered off and fell, leading to a series of events I had feared but knew were coming. The police and EMTs found her and took her to the emergency room, where she stayed for two days. After that, she was transferred to a hospital room for three more days—not because she needed medical care, but so a social worker could coordinate her transition into a nursing home.

I felt a mix of emotions: relief that the decision was finally made, uncertainty about whether my brother and I had done the right thing, and exhaustion from the sheer weight of the process.

Now, I find myself in a new routine: clearing out her apartment, managing her affairs, and visiting her almost daily—on top of my own life and responsibilities. Almost every time I step into the nursing home, staff members rush up to me with yet another form to sign. Meanwhile, my mother, though improving from being around others, remains needy and demanding.

I know I can’t spend every waking moment with her, but I also don’t want to neglect her. The challenge is finding balance—giving her the time, attention, and care she needs while still living my own life.

If you’re in the same boat, this guide is for you.

1. How Often Should You Visit?

One of the first questions I wrestled with was: Am I visiting too much? Too little? What’s appropriate?

Expert Perspective

According to the National Institute on Aging, regular visits help ease the transition and prevent feelings of abandonment. However, quality matters more than quantity (NIA, 2023). Overcommitting and then scaling back can cause confusion and distress for your loved one.

My Approach

• I try to visit almost every day, but I’ve learned to give myself permission to miss a day or two when I need a break or have other responsibilities.

• I keep my visits short but meaningful—usually 30 to 60 minutes.

• I vary my visits—sometimes I take her for a short walk, sometimes we sit in her room and chat, other times I just listen while she talks about whatever is on her mind.

👉 Takeaway: Set a schedule that is manageable for you and predictable for them. A few visits a week may be enough to keep them engaged while allowing you to maintain your own life.

2. Should I Always Take Her Out or Visit in Her Room?

I initially thought I should take my mom out for meals or small trips as often as possible to make her feel special. But I quickly realized that too much of that could undermine her ability to accept her new home.

What Experts Say

Geriatric psychologists emphasize the importance of helping dementia patients establish a routine in their new environment. Too many external outings can disrupt their sense of stability (Mayo Clinic, 2023).

What Works for Me

• I mostly visit her in her room to reinforce that this is her new home.

• Occasionally, I take her outside for a short walk or to a common area.

• I’m mindful that removing her too often may make re-entry harder.

👉 Takeaway: Small, controlled outings are fine, but most visits should take place in her new space to help establish comfort and acceptance.

3. How to Make Their Room Feel Like Home?

One of the best decisions I made was bringing familiar items from my mom’s apartment to decorate her new room. We hung up her art, placed her favorite pictures around, and set up a cozy space.

The staff continues to comment on how wonderful her room looks, and I’ve noticed how much it has helped her adjust. Sadly, I don’t see many other families doing this. Most rooms are bare—just a bed, a chair, and a few sterile items.

Why This Matters

Research shows that personalizing a room with familiar objects can reduce confusion and agitation in dementia patients while increasing their sense of security (Alzheimer’s Association, 2023).

How to Decorate Thoughtfully

• Photos of family and past memories—preferably labeled for reference.

• A soft blanket, pillow, or favorite chair to bring comfort.

• Artwork or decorations from their old home for familiarity.

• A clock and calendar to help with orientation.

• A memory box with meaningful keepsakes.

👉 Takeaway: The effort you put into their room can make a world of difference in their adjustment.

4. How to Handle Family Dynamics & Encourage Others to Visit?

One of the most heartbreaking realizations I’ve had is how few people visit the locked-down dementia unit.

I am often the only visitor back there. It’s isolating—not just for my mom, but for all the residents.

Why Family Avoids Visiting

Many people struggle with guilt, discomfort, or simply don’t know how to engage with a loved one in a nursing home setting (Family Caregiver Alliance, 2023).

How to Encourage Others to Visit

• Set a visitation schedule and invite family members to join. “Mom would love to see you on Sunday—can we make that happen?”

• Ease their discomfort. Some avoid visits because they don’t know what to say. Provide conversation starters or activities.

• Emphasize the impact of small gestures. A 20-minute visit can brighten their entire day.

👉 Takeaway: Family needs encouragement and structure. Lead by example, and gently remind them that showing up—no matter how briefly—matters.

5. Finding Balance: Managing Their Needs Without Losing Yourself

One of the hardest parts of this journey is managing the balance between my mom’s needs and my own life.

She is demanding—she wants more time, more attention, more involvement. And while I love her, I have to be realistic about how much I can give without burning out.

How I Manage It

• I set boundaries. I don’t feel guilty about taking time for myself.

• I communicate my limits. “Mom, I’ll be here on Tuesday and Thursday this week. I love you, and I’ll see you then.”

• I remind myself she is cared for. The staff is there to support her, too—it doesn’t all fall on me.

👉 Takeaway: You can’t pour from an empty cup. Find a balance that respects both your loved one’s needs and your own well-being.

Honoring Dr. Debra Tann & Her Work on Dementia Awareness

In navigating my mother’s transition, I’ve been inspired and personally guided by the work of Dr. Debra Tann and her organization, Debra on Dementia (DebraOnDementia.com).

Dr. Tann is an advocate, educator, and researcher dedicated to raising awareness about dementia, empowering caregivers, and improving patient care. Her organization provides invaluable resources, including community support, expert knowledge, and events designed to assist families like mine in making informed decisions.

I encourage anyone facing similar challenges to explore DebraOnDementia.com and consider attending one of her events (DebraOnDementia Events). For several years, my mom, brother, and I attended her monthly "Memory Cafe." While it had helpful activities and socialization for mom, it was a Godsend for me to gain insight and support as a caregiver. You definitely need something like this!

Final Thoughts: It’s a Journey, Not a Destination

Placing my mom in a nursing home was a tough decision, but I know it was the right one. If you’re going through the same, remember: you are not alone, and there are resources to help.

Here's one I made for you! Get it today for FREE (for a limited time): https://www.caseycolecorbin.com/view/courses/activation-thought-exercise-library-of-resources/2976598-specific-issues-addressed/9826635-caregiver-self-care-before-and-after-placing-a-loved-one-in-a-home

Let’s do our best for our loved ones, while also taking care of ourselves. ❤️