Why Affirmations Often Backfire (And What to Say Instead)

In the first post of this series, we explored why vision boards often fade into the background—especially for high-functioning professionals and spiritually sincere people who are genuinely trying to grow.

The common thread was misalignment:
external tools layered onto an internal world that hasn’t fully been addressed.

Affirmations fall into the same category—but in a more subtle way.

Because unlike vision boards, affirmations feel internal.
They use your own voice.
They sound personal.
They seem empowering.

And yet, for many people, they quietly create more tension than transformation.

Why Affirmations Are So Appealing

Affirmations promise something deeply human:

“If I change how I talk to myself, I can change my life.”

There’s truth in that.

Language matters.
Self-talk matters.
What we rehearse internally shapes what we notice, what we expect, and what we attempt.

I’ve used affirmations myself, and I still believe they can be helpful.

But only when they’re used at the right level.

Where Affirmations Break Down

For a season, I used a lot of classic “I am” affirmations:

• I am confident

• I am abundant

• I live in abundance

On the surface, they sounded strong and positive.

But internally, something else was happening.

Instead of relief, I felt frustration.
Instead of confidence, I felt fake.
Instead of momentum, I felt pushback.

Not loud resistance—quiet resistance.

The kind that shows up as tension in your body.
The kind that makes growth feel forced.
The kind that drains energy instead of restoring it.

That reaction wasn’t failure.

It was information.

The Real Issue: Affirmations Skip Identity Alignment

Affirmations often ask the mind to declare something the identity hasn’t agreed to yet.

And when that happens, the nervous system pushes back.

This isn’t weakness.
It’s integrity.

Part of you knows when words don’t match lived reality.

So instead of creating change, affirmations can accidentally produce:

• Cognitive dissonance

• Internal conflict

• A pressure to “believe harder”

That pressure doesn’t lead to growth.
It leads to exhaustion.

When Affirmations Do Help

Affirmations aren’t useless.
They’re just misunderstood.

They tend to help when they:

• Reflect direction, not denial

• Support an identity shift already underway

• Reinforce values you’re actually living into

For example, there’s a meaningful difference between:

• “I am confident and abundant.”
  and

• “I am becoming someone who relates to confidence and abundance differently.”

One invites honesty.
The other demands agreement.

What Works Better Instead

If vision boards often fail because they skip values,
affirmations often fail because they skip identity.

Real, lasting change tends to follow this sequence:

Identity → Thoughts → Feelings → Behaviors → Habits

When identity comes first, affirmations can support the process.
When identity is ignored, affirmations become performative.

A more useful question than “What should I say?” is:

“Who am I becoming—and what language would support that honestly?”

That question removes force and restores alignment.

How This Fits the Bigger Picture

In Blog #1, we saw that external images don’t move an internal world.

In this post, we see that even internal language can fall flat when it’s not rooted in identity.

In the next post, we’ll look at another common strategy that’s often mistaken for confidence:

“Fake it till you make it.”

And I’ll share a very real, very human moment that taught me why authenticity creates far more momentum than performance ever could.

If You Want to Go Deeper

If these ideas are resonating and you’d like something practical to walk alongside this series, you can simply reply to this email with the words:

“What works?”

I’ll send you a companion PDF that grows with each post—summarizing what actually works, offering gentle reflection prompts, and providing grounded guidance from a coaching perspective that understands self-sabotage, identity, and real change.

No pressure.
No pretending.
Just support that fits how people actually grow.

Coming next: Blog #3 of 6 — “Fake It Till You Make It” and the Confidence That Actually Works

You’re not doing growth wrong.
You’re learning how to do it more truthfully.